There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
