seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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