i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
