New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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