Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
