Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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