im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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