OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
