**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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