I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
