I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He did a backflip because drugs
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