I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
