Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
