please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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