I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
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I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
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We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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