I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
