im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
