Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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