I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
