my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
