They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
