I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
