Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
