Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
