I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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