You made me cry and you don't even care
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Randomize
