Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
