my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
