I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
