Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
