i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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