Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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