well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
