My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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