May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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