Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
