he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
