Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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