The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
