So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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