Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
