I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
