You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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