I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
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She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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