We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You were trust falling into bushes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
