Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The adults are the big ones right?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
