bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
where does the pee come out of this thing
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
