At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
