he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
