Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
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It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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