Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
