let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
