i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
