No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
if only i could text you this smell
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
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