hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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