drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
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I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"