Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
