My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
